A Journey Unfolding
Friday, January 15, 2010

Dying to live

I think writers are cool - shooting little bullets of inspiration into the hearts of their readers. I have something to write, but it's not particularly lyrical, or impressive, nor inspiring - it's just necessary. I'm not really a writer, but I sure am experiencing writers block. Fear and worry are a mixed up cloud that seem to hover over the subject of this literary conversation. It's a letter, you see. It's a letter to someone that I should have no problem conversing with and who I should find pleasure in speaking with, even approaching a conversation, but unfortunately, we haven't fostered that kind of relationship. I have big, great wonderful news to share and I don't want to. But I do... want to - and know, I have to.

It seems that in life, discipline and denial of self go hand in hand. It also seems that the harder the opposition has to fall, the more I have to die to self promotion. Terms like, "it's not fair" - "I have a right to" - "but he started it" - and so on are the cop outs one can use in the abdication of responsibility and taking initiative toward resolution. I've used those words and some other choice words to describe my feelings in the matter of the letter, and it's subject/recipient. In fact, I'm writing this all out in the hopes that God will help me further release my "rights" and just DO, what is right.

Relational conflict is my #1 dislike as it often involves issues of injustice, someone who is hurt, or broken (like I am) or incomplete (welcome to humanity right?) offends or hurts another - unintentionally or not - it's still there and it's still legit... the hurt, the anger and the cramped ability to love.

Love... hmmm. Love is something I am called to do, no matter what. Right? Those who I have a "right" (a justifiable reason) to call an enemy... I'm supposed to love those dudes too. Crap. If I may be honest - that bites. It goes against my grain, it doesn't "feel" right - like justice isn't being paid appropriately. But I'm forgetting something. The battle isn't mine. If victory was already mine, then could I get out of position of receiving what's coming to me if I fought for those "rights"? And justice, I don't clearly know what that looks like as I'm not the ultimate Justifier. So what do I do? I love, no matter what. I swallow my ever present pride and hurt and anger and respond out of love. Honestly, but out of love - not the motivation to make RIGHT the situation - nor expect the same in return, but just to love. The Lover of MY heart is gonna have to carry it and direct in in those ways... otherwise, I'll never begin to write.

Here goes...

Maria at 10:13 AM


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